People ask me this all the time: “What should I do when there’s no sex in my marriage?”
It’s a fair question—and it’s a painful one. There’s plenty of information floating around out there, but let’s be honest: most of it is generic, cookie-cutter advice that may not touch your actual life.
So before we dive into solutions (because yes, there are some), I want to put something on the table:
We don’t get to pick our problems.
What we do pick—consciously or not—is where we aim our energy. We try to fix what feels fixable. But not everything is. Some things? They’re just not going to be fixed. Not in the way you want. Not in the timeline you want. And not because you’re doing something wrong.
Let’s talk about the big, ugly category of unsolvable problems.
Imagine an adult child is in a terrible accident and needs full-time care for the rest of their life. You wouldn’t call that situation “fixable.” You’d call it a tragedy. You’d grieve. You’d adapt. You’d stop trying to solve it and start learning how to live with it.
And yes, I know—you’re not here about a catastrophic accident. You’re here about sex. Or rather, the lack of it. But emotionally? The experience might feel just as earth-shattering.
If your spouse is dealing with low libido due to trauma, depression, medication, or even just a totally different baseline for sexual interest—there may not be a “fix.” At least not one that makes it all better overnight. We need to stop pretending there’s a magic pill, or that one coach-approved date night is going to bring the fire back.
Sorry, Dr. Phil.
So what can you do?
1. Practice Mindfulness (yes, really)
When something hurts like hell, your brain shifts into survival mode. You stop thinking creatively. You cling to solutions, hoping one will finally get through to your partner. And yet… nothing changes.
If that’s your story, take a deep breath.
Notice your emotions instead of arguing with them. Rage, grief, rejection, fear, despair—whatever’s there, don’t exile it. Pull up a chair and let it sit with you. Because sometimes it’s the resistance to those feelings that causes the real suffering.
No one wants to host a party for heartbreak, but trust me, pushing it away doesn’t work. Let it be there. Let you be there. That’s when your clarity comes back.
2. Filter the Noise
Just because someone is a so-called “expert” doesn’t mean they know anything about your marriage.
You don’t need to hit some arbitrary number of times per week. You don’t have to get divorced. You don’t have to “communicate more” if communicating hasn’t changed a thing.
What you do have to do is breathe.
And maybe grieve.
And then decide what kind of life you want, and whether that life is possible with this person, in this marriage, in this season.
3. Zoom Out
Sex matters. I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t. But zoom out.
What else is true in this relationship?
Are you respected?
Are you safe?
Are you growing?
Or is this just one giant raw nerve ending with nothing good left to hold onto?
Some people stay. Some people leave. But nobody wins by staring only at what’s broken. Step back. Look at the whole picture. Because even if you left and found someone you could have great sex with, you’d eventually run into a different wall—one just as unsolvable.
New person, new problems.
4. Get Help (even if you’re the only one going)
You don’t need your spouse to join you in a coaching session for it to be effective. Go on your own. You’d be amazed at how much can shift when one person stops spinning in place.
And please—please—hear this:
You are not alone.
This is one of the most common issues I see in long-term marriages.
People survive it.
People figure it out.
People come through stronger, wiser, more honest, and more at peace.
You can too.
