Somewhere along the line, the wedding became more important than the marriage.
So, in the spirit of accepting our current cultural trajectory, I’d like to propose a solution—something that truly honors what today’s brides seem to value most. Let’s start around age twenty. That’s the ideal time to begin planning the most outrageous celebration possible. This will be a once-in-a-lifetime production, complete with an engagement event that’s Instagram-worthy, followed by a reception that would make royalty blush.
Since no one at this age has the ability to choose a suitable lifelong partner (why would she? She’s been busy learning TikTok dances), the groom will be selected from central casting. He will be photogenic, agreeable, and professionally trained to nod approvingly at every decision she makes. Think of him as the ultimate supporting role: handsome, silent, and non-disruptive.
The absence of a critical future mother-in-law’s interference will be an added bonus—nothing to derail the bride’s vision or the color palette she’s curated on Pinterest since high school.
The next twelve months will be devoted to what truly matters: dresses.
She will try on every gown in a tri-state radius, accompanied by her mother, sisters, and girlfriends who will offer enthusiastic commentary. Cake tastings will be plentiful. The actor-groom will attend each one with a sensitive palate and affirming feedback: “Yes, darling, the lemon lavender tier is deeply meaningful.”
And of course, this won’t be just any wedding—it will be a destination wedding. Somewhere remote, expensive, and slightly difficult to get to. That way, it will feel exclusive. Since the planning takes at least a year, friends and family will have ample time to take out loans and rework their lives to attend this “special” event.
Let’s not forget the string of Bachelorette parties—yes, plural. These will serve the dual purpose of stress relief and filtering out weak friendships. Nothing says “lifelong bond” like a drunken screaming match in Nashville over matching T-shirts.
What happens after all this?
Well… the actual marriage begins. But by then, everyone’s exhausted, broke, and slightly hungover from the entire production. The bride looks around and realizes the groom—though stunning in photos—has actual thoughts. And socks on the floor. And ideas about money and children and weekends. Real life begins, and no one ordered a cake for that.
Here’s the thing: if we planned our marriages with half the energy we put into planning weddings, the divorce rate would drop. But that’s not what’s trending. So if you’re reading this and you’re still in the “picking linen colors” stage, here’s a radical idea: Start planning your marriage first. The wedding is one day. The marriage is every day after that.
And believe me, there’s no honeymoon suite glamorous enough to make up for marrying the wrong person.
