Let’s get one thing out of the way: there is no universal “right amount” of sex for couples. Some couples are happy with twice a day; others are fine with twice a year. The magic number is whatever keeps both partners satisfied. But therein lies the problem—many couples are wildly out of sync, and that’s where the trouble begins.
Plenty of couples are quietly (or loudly) miserable with their sex lives.
Some are focused on quantity, some on quality, and some are just relieved to get anything at all—often with a side of unspoken resentment. Some want more passion and excitement but are too afraid to ask, terrified that their desires will be met with rejection, judgment, or indifference. Some don’t care about sex at all and assume their partner shouldn’t either—oblivious to the slow agony of constant rejection. Eventually, the rejected partner gives up, detaches, and stops asking altogether.
That’s when real damage sets in.
The Silent Killer of Relationships
Sex is one of those topics that couples should be able to discuss openly, but many don’t. Some talk about it freely (trust me, I’ve heard everything), while others treat it like a shameful secret, pretending it’s unimportant until their marriage is in ruins. And here’s a fun twist: in many relationships, the person controlling the sex life isn’t the one with the higher drive—it’s the one with the lower drive. That person decides when, how often, and sometimes, if it happens at all.
Sexual starvation creates bitterness on both sides.
The one who wants more sex feels unloved, lonely, and rejected. The one who doesn’t want it feels pressured and resents being expected to perform on demand.
And if you think this is always the stereotypical “husband wants more, wife wants less” dynamic, think again. One of the biggest surprises in my work is the number of men who don’t want as much sex as their partners. It happens more than people realize, and it creates just as much resentment.
Sex as a Weapon
Some people use sex—or the lack of it—as a power play. They withhold it to regain control or to punish their partner for emotional neglect.
But here’s the problem: when one person stops meeting the other’s needs, those needs don’t just disappear.
They get met elsewhere.
I once worked with a woman who had withheld sex from her husband for years. Not out of cruelty, but as a way to protect herself emotionally. He, on the other hand, felt unwanted, unloved, and, you guessed it—sex-starved. Eventually, he found emotional connection elsewhere, which led to a full-blown affair. She was furious at his betrayal, and I get it. But what she didn’t realize was that she had been part of the problem, too. She thought she was just protecting herself, but in doing so, she unknowingly pushed him away.
This is the hard truth no one likes to hear: If a person’s needs aren’t met in their relationship, they will find a way to meet them—either in a healthy way or a destructive one.
The Fix? Not Just “Have More Sex”
If your sex life is dead, ignoring it won’t bring it back. But forcing it won’t fix it either.
The real issue isn’t just about sex. It’s about emotional connection.
If that’s broken, attraction fades, resentment builds, and suddenly, sex feels like an obligation rather than an intimate bond. The good news? This can be fixed. But it requires both partners to understand what’s missing, communicate what they actually need, and stop treating each other like adversaries.
Sex is not just a “nice extra” in marriage. It’s a critical barometer of your relationship’s health. One person cannot be chronically sex-starved while the other person shrugs and says, “Not my problem.” Because trust me—it will become your problem eventually.
A strong emotional connection fuels sexual attraction, and a healthy sex life strengthens that connection in return. If you want passion and intimacy to last, you have to stop avoiding the conversation and start doing the real work.
Or, you can ignore it and hope for the best. But just remember—if you don’t want to have sex with your partner, there’s always someone out there who will. Your call.
