If you are truly “done” with your marriage, you need to consider all your options before you rush into a divorce.
I’m not here to tell you not to get divorced. Sometimes, that is absolutely the best option. However, more often than people realize, there are other things that can be done, even when you think your marriage is over. Deciding to get a divorce might offer you an initial feeling of relief, and you’ll believe the frustration is finally over and you can “start over.” The truth is, that’s rarely the full story. Divorce doesn’t just end the pain of a difficult marriage, especially when children are involved.
Before you make that leap, think about the following:
The financial hit. The initial and ongoing financial cost is brutal. If you’re in debt, you’ll still be responsible for it after the divorce, even if your spouse racked it up. Legally, debt collectors can come after you for all of it. And any savings or investments you have will be split. You will not get it all, no matter what your spouse has done. On top of that, you’ll be setting up and maintaining two separate households with less money.
The kids. If you think divorce will protect your children from an out-of-control spouse, you’re mistaken. When the child has to go visit the other parent, you won’t be there to mitigate the situation. You will have no control over who is there. Yes, you can take them to court, but that hurts the children too, not to mention the financial and emotional toll. And let’s be honest, many out-of-control spouses simply ignore the courts and do whatever they want.
The “best-case” scenario. Is your desired outcome truly worth the cost, especially the cost your children will be forced to pay?
The “worst-case” scenario. I know you think divorce will make things better, but that doesn’t always happen. What if you face a serious health issue? Is your new boyfriend or girlfriend going to stick around then? What if you don’t find a new relationship? Or, what if you find someone you fall madly in love with who has children who try to kill you in your sleep? What if you can’t afford the bills? We all need to prove we’re “independent,” but at what cost? The most independent person in the world still needs help. The fact is, human beings need each other.
A radically better life without divorce. Yes, it’s possible. You may think you’ve tried everything, but you’ve likely just tried some of the same things over and over. If you’re going to deal with the difficulties of life after divorce, why not approach the difficulties of staying married in a more creative fashion? Your family and friends who are urging you to get divorced care about you and don’t want to see you so upset. That’s why they want you to get divorced. But just as you’d try many different medical treatments to avoid surgery, why not try some marriage treatment to avoid divorce if at all possible?
The pain you’re feeling is a call to action. It’s a signal to rise to the challenge and learn what you need to. I will believe in you and hold your future happiness in my heart until you can believe in yourself.
The Truth is…You Get to Choose
Divorce is not a magic solution to your problems; it’s just a different set of problems you’ll have to solve. Before you walk out the door, take a hard look at the pain you’re currently experiencing and ask yourself if you’re willing to trade it for a new, and potentially worse, kind of pain. The freedom you’re looking for might not be on the other side of a courtroom, but in the willingness to do the difficult, creative work right where you are.
