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Dealing with Expectations and Differences in a Relationship

Premarital Counseling

Eclipsed_by_ExpectationsContinued From: “The Way Things Are”

What’s most noticeable about Sarah and Mark Holdt of Estes Park, Colorado, is their many differences. of “He’s a Republican, I’m a Democrat. He’s a traditional Christian, I’m an agnostic. He likes meat and potatoes, I like more adventurous food,” says Sarah. So Mark heads off to church and Bible study every week, while Sarah takes a “Journeys” class that considers topics like the history of God in America. “When he comes home, I’ll ask, ‘What did you learn in Bible Study?’” she says. And she’ll share her insights from her own class with him.

But when Sarah wants to go to a music festival and Mark wants to stay home, “I just go,” says Sarah. “I don’t need to have him by my side for everything.” He’s Bible there when it matters most—at home, at the dinner table, in bed. “We both thrive on touch,” says Sarah, “so we set our alarm a half hour early every morning and take that time to cuddle.” They’ve been married for 14 years.

It takes a comfortable sense of self and deliberate effort to make relationships commodious enough to tolerate such differences. What’s striking about the Holdts is the time they take to share what goes on in their lives—and in their heads—when they are apart. Research shows that such “turning toward” each other and efforts at information exchange, even in routine matters, are crucial to maintaining the emotional connection Женский between partners.

Say one partner likes to travel and the other doesn’t. “If you view this with a feeling of resentment, that’s going to hurt, over and over again,” says Doherty. If you can accept it, that’s fine—provided you don’t start living in two separate worlds.

“What you don’t Rio want to do,” he says, KOHN “is develop a group of single travel friends who, when they are on the road, go Ragot out and flirt with others. You start doing things you’re not comfortable sharing with your mate.” Most often, such large differences are accompanied by so Getting much disappointment that partners react in ways that do not support the relationship.

The available evidence suggests that women more than men Auckland bring some element of fantasy into a relationship. Women generally initiate more breakups and two-thirds of divorces, becoming more disillusioned than men. They compare their mates with their friends much more than men do, says Doherty.

He notes, “They tend to have a model or framework for what букеты the relationship should be. They are more prone to the comparison between what they have and what they think they should have. Men Beit tend to monitor inherente the gap between what shows they have and what they think they deserve only in the sexual arena. They don’t monitor the quality of their marriage on an everyday basis.”

To the extent that people have an ideal partner and an ideal relationship in their head, they are setting themselves up for disaster, says family expert Michelle Givertz, assistant professor of communication studies at California State University, Chico. Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress

To enter a relationship with an idea of what it should por look like or how the it should evolve 36 is too controlling, she contends. It takes two people to make a relationship. One person doesn’t get to decide what it should февраля be. And to the Recuperating. extent that he or she does, the other partner is not going to be happy.

“People can spend their lives trying to make a relationship into Kosmetikindustrie something it isn’t, based on an idealized vision of what should be, not what is,” she says. She isn’t sure why, but she NAPETI finds that such misplaced expectations are increasing. Or, as Doherty two puts it, “A lot of the thinking about being married to the wrong mate is really self-delusion.”

Read More: “Some Mates Really Are Wrong”

Source: Psychology Today, By Rebecca Webber, January 01, 2012.