That’s not just a sensational title—it’s absolutely true. So, what is this life-altering concept?
It’s the understanding that you get to decide and implement things, even if no one supports, understands, or validates you.
You are enough. You have everything you need to start having success with this right now, as soon as you fully grasp the idea.
Let me illustrate with a classic example. A wife has tried to explain her need for order to her husband, but he is perfectly happy with the messy status quo. It’s a mess so bad it may send her to the psych ward if things don’t change. After numerous failed attempts to garner support and assistance, the wife is ready to use “the concept that will change her life.”
She takes a deep breath and says, “Dear, I know you are perfectly capable of living with this mess, but I simply cannot tolerate it. It interferes with my ability to think straight, and I can’t live this way anymore. Therefore, at 6:00 each evening, I am going to spend 15 minutes tidying the living room so I can relax during the evening and wake up to a tidy house. I will put all your shoes, papers, tools, t-shirts, books, and anything else that is on the floor into a cardboard box and place it by the door. If you take it out of the box and put it away before I leave the house at 8:00 the next morning, great. Anything still left in the box will be donated to Goodwill on my way home from work.”
Now, what do you think is going to happen? You’re right. The husband will probably complain, call her “OCD,” say it’s not fair, and argue that she can’t just give away his stuff. He will try to intimidate her into abandoning this plan.
But she still has the power. She can say, “You may be right. It’s possible I do suffer from OCD. I really don’t know. What I do know is that I am simply unable to function with the way things are now. Talking about it and asking you to pick up your stuff hasn’t worked. Since this is my problem, I have come up with a solution that I think will work for me. As I said, you are welcome to retrieve anything of yours from the box, and you have until 8 a.m. to do so. If you don’t, I will assume you are ready to say goodbye to the items left in the box.”
What if he still objects? What if she takes his stuff, donates it, and he turns purple, yells, and screams? Guess what? The second or third time she gives his stuff away, I am willing to bet good money he will either start putting his stuff away before she “roams” the living room at 6:00, or he will check the box before she leaves at 8 a.m.
She isn’t being mean. She isn’t “punishing” him. She is taking responsibility for her problem and solving it. It’s not his problem; it’s hers. Whining about it for the last five years has done nothing but cause her to feel anger and resentment. Doing something about it will almost certainly rock the boat, at least for a while, but after that… problem solved. It won’t be an issue anymore.
She’s not asking him to pick up anything or donate the box on his way home from work. She’s taking care of it. She didn’t spring anything on him. She told him exactly what she was going to do, so it’s not a surprise.
Understanding the Trade-Off
So, here’s another thing to consider. Before you approach another person who may be involved in something you need to change, understand exactly what you want and exactly what you are willing to exchange to get it. Understand your position before you enter into negotiations. What do you want? What are you willing to give in exchange? And stay true to yourself and to what you think is right. People are not always going to agree with you or like what you are proposing. Accept that—that’s just the way it is.
Another important part of this is understanding that you aren’t being selfish in the sense that you don’t care about others. I wish there was a word in the English language that meant selfish in a positive way—a word for someone who takes care of themselves in an appropriate, mature manner. But there isn’t. Instead, most people whine, cry, complain, and basically assume the position of a frustrated toddler whose only way of getting what they want is to look to others to do it for them.
Don’t be that person. You have the ability to make your own decisions, and you have the power to carry out what needs to be done. Yes, there are things in life we have to live with that we would change if we could, but some things really can be changed. Have the courage and self-knowledge to change them.
