The thrill is gone. It happens. Let’s leave off talking about sex and romance for the time being and talk about mystery. That’s a word you don’t hear too often in marriage counseling. It almost sounds like someone is trying to keep secrets – a big no-no! Even the word is deliciously thrilling.
What is mystery anyway? (Here we are trying to analyze mystery!) Well, mystery demands interest. There is something we don’t know, something we are curious about. Mystery has seduced us. Seduction is a big part of mystery. It is inviting us to come closer. It has gotten our attention – not by a shout – by a whisper.
The truth is, no matter how long you have been together, there are things you don’t know about your spouse. Decide to investigate further, and see what you can learn. You chose your spouse for a reason. Allow yourself to be curious about your spouse – not for any specific outcome, like sex or romance, but just because. You are the only couple of its kind in the world! That’s pretty amazing in and of itself. Here are some specific things you can do to set the stage …
1) Realize every day is a new beginning.
You can decide to forgive old wrongs at any time. You can decide to start over from where you are right now, without the baggage of the past. You can be free. (More on how to do this in an upcoming post.)
2) Understand you don’t have to change your spouse.
You can love him/her just as (s)he is, warts and all. What freedom there is in just accepting things you may not like. You are free to enjoy what there is to enjoy, without being burdened with trying to change something and getting frustrated in the process.
3) Stop talking about your problems, the kids, or any other ongoing subject.
If that means you are completely silent, let it be that way for awhile. Settle into the empty space that is created, and wait. You might be surprised.
4) Learn how to communicate without words.
Rub up against your spouse. Wink. Melt into a hug. Smell his/her neck.
5) Practice not being in a hurry.
6) Start learning about something that interests you.
Even if your spouse does not share that interest, it will make you more alive and interesting. Remember, finding out more about yourself can also be pretty fascinating!
7) I suppose the short version of this blog would be:
Accept your spouse and yourself as you are. That doesn’t mean you like everything they do, but approach them with kindness and love. To the person who loves and pays attention, much is revealed. And when that happens, it can be so very beautiful.
8) And finally, add a little romance to your environment.
Candles, soft music, soft lamplight, comfy places to sit all beckon us to relax and stay awhile.