If you’re worried your marriage is headed south, you can do a 180 and find your true north again.
This strategy, which Michele Weiner-Davis talks about in her book Divorce Busting, really works. Maybe your spouse is threatening to file for divorce. Take a deep breath, calm down, and get ready to turn your marriage around.
Doing a 180 simply means doing the opposite of what you’ve been doing.
A Practical “180” Example
Let’s say your spouse thinks you criticize them constantly. You don’t see it that way and can’t understand why they’re so sensitive. You’re just trying to communicate and ask for what you need.
You’re right—your position is reasonable. You have needs, and you’re supposed to communicate them. However, if your marriage is in trouble, please forget about defending your position. Start using this strategy instead!
In this example, you would simply stop asking for anything. You’d stop explaining how you want your spouse to hug you, take out the trash, or talk to you. Instead, you’d start telling them how much you love and appreciate everything they do.
You appreciate your husband doing the dishes—you don’t need to tell him to wipe the counter down too.
You appreciate him working so hard to provide for the family—even if what he makes isn’t enough to pay the bills.
You are not angry, disappointed, or stressed. You are appreciative, loving, grateful, and understanding.
If you are still reading this, I commend you!
You might feel I’m encouraging you to be dishonest because you don’t feel any of these things. You’re stressed, upset, and alone. What about your needs? I know. But if things have gotten really bad, one of you needs to change the energy of the situation and make it safe enough for both of you to stay.
You can work on all your problems later, when you’ve both committed to staying. Right now, stop what your spouse has accused you of and do the exact opposite. Don’t do it just a little bit. Make a drastic change. There’s a reason it’s called a 180 and not a 45.
You may find that doing a 180 is actually kind of fun. Imagine the look on your spouse’s face when you do the exact opposite of what they think you will do. Someday, they may thank you for saving your marriage. And even if they don’t, your children or grandchildren may. And if they don’t, I will!
Your marriage is worth saving. Be brave. Try something crazy. Do a 180.
